The Blessing of Wilderness

What would a blog post (finally) by me be without a little Hebrew, a sort-of lesson, and a lot of love? So here goes.

As these next few months hit us in all their challenging change, how do we react to all that has happened in Korea, and all that is to be different outside?

Korea has been a place where we have all gotten the chance to grow. To love freely. To be nurtured in very different ways. To nurture in our own special ways. None of us expected anything quite like this, and each silently believe no one outside of it will ever understand.

And now we come to this time of separation. Some have already left, some are getting ready to leave, and some are staying. Though there will be pockets and groups of us all over the world, the rupture of this group will be heavily grieved. And is being grieved already.

For me, I have felt known.
It’s scary to leave that.
I’ve been refined by the hand of God, through kindred spirits.
It’s terrifying to leave them.
For me, this time ahead seems a barren wasteland.

A desert.
A wilderness.

מדבר
(midbar)

Time for a lesson. Time for some Hebrew.

There are several words that can be made from the three consonants DBR (דבר). Desert. Holy of Holies. Sheepfold.

The place where God brings his flock. So, somewhere he wants us to be. Umm…Okay?

When the M (מ) is added to those three, it makes the word “wilderness”. It also means “speaking” or “words”. So the wilderness, a place where God brings his people, is the place of speaking. Follow?

Many times throughout the Bible, God’s people were in this place of speaking. Abraham, the father of our faith, lived and was promised everything in the desert. Moses spent 40 years walking in the wilderness with the children of God, and God spoke unto Moses. David fled to the wasteland for 40 days to escape the wrath of Saul, and heard God as he cried out in psalm. Jesus was led there by the Spirit, after his baptism, and the very Word of God flowed out of his mouth to rebuke the devil. If I want to hear God speak, I should go to the desert. But why there?

Because in this place of desolation, and temperatures so extreme I don’t think even Tay could handle it, I would not survive except by a direct intervention of God. There is nowhere else to turn, and this is when God speaks.

Because I’m finally in a place to realize that He provided everything in the Land of Milk and Honey. A place where I realize the danger that comes if I stay in that land too long, “in houses I didn’t build” - in an apartment I didn’t pay for, “drinking from wells I didn’t dig” – enjoying a community I didn’t bring together, or “eating crops that I didn’t sow” – receiving a paycheck I now think I hardly worked for, I will say “my hand has done this, and I will forget the Lord my God who brought me through the vast and terrible desert”.

Because whether desert or honey, God’s hand is always the one that holds everything I need.

Jesus takes it deeper… as he always does.

Blessed are the poor in spirit… blessed are those who mourn… blessed are the meek…blessed are the thirsty…hungry…persecuted…

Sound familiar? Sounds like a freaking desert. When I’m living in an emotional, spiritual, relational wilderness – that is when I am most ready to hear God speaking because I have nowhere else to turn.

These next months I know this is where I will be. When all I want is to hear Anna singing “cheer up darlin’”, when I want to have a Cha conversation with Cha… or Tay, when I want to speak Hebrew on the back of Kel’s scooter, when I don’t think I can go another morning without a cup of Tim Horton’s with Whit in our apartment, when I want to listen to “Sweet Lorraine” and watch Kels crump to it, when I want to sit across from Katie on the teeter-totter and feel the same.

When all I want to do is stand there in my pitiful misery and beg God to get me out of this stupid, ugly, lonely wilderness.

But why is this a blessing?

Because in the pain and sorrow of that moment I stand face to face with God – AND THAT IS A BLESSING. I cry out to him from the innermost desperation of my soul – AND THAT IS A BLESSING. And in that place of stretching wasteland, where I cannot take one more step unless God guides it, he speaks – AND THAT IS A BLESSING.

So why fear this place where God wants me to be? He blesses my desire to stay there. And so I will face leaving you. Leaving us. Leaving all of this. Because I would rather be blessed in my wilderness than to live in a land flowing with milk and honey and forget that God provides.

My desire for all of us, is that as we face the wilderness of life after Korea-as-we-have-known-it, that we would stand in that wasteland and not ask God to bring us back to that big bed with room for 8, but that we would ask Him where in this vast and terrible desert we are going to come face to face with Him.

And feel blessed.

Blessed because of the time we have had, blessed for what God will say to us in this wilderness, and blessed for the next land of milk and honey that he is leading us to.

The Art of Taming

I still remember the very first thing I tried to tame. A snowy white rabbit had been snatched from the jaws of our normally sedate golden retriever at the last moment, and we suddenly found ourselves with a new pet. But rabbits are born a wild spirit of the meadows and the hills, and our poor new friend was none too thrilled by her new situation in life. I was not to be deterred, and therefore set about taming the beast with a zest and enthusiasm not to be matched. Needless to say, the rabbit died of a heart attack less than 24 hours later. In retrospect, I may have come on a little strong.

In the years that followed, I honed my taming techniques on a multitude of subjects - from goldfish, to frogs, to rabbits, to dogs, to my ornery younger brother, to my beautiful pony - all of which sported varying levels of success. But with each attempt, I became more aware of one truth: the things you tame have an odd and rather alarming inclination:

they tend to tame you right back.

One of my very favorite books is Antoine de St-Exupery's The Little Prince. It’s the tale of a little alien prince who is wandering the earth on a "quest" of sorts to try to discover: 1) What makes something important and 2) Where he belongs. I could tell you a lot of things about this story. I could tell you about the 44 sunsets you can see in one day, or the danger of baobab trees that are not carefully weeded and pruned while they’re small. I could tell you what selfish roses say when they needn’t say anything at all, or about snakes who offer beautiful things at terrible costs. But mostly, I want to tell you about a fox.

There’s nothing special about this fox, except that the little prince is lonely the day their paths crossed, so he asks the animal to come and play with him.
"I cannot play with you" the fox responds, "I am not tamed." The prince asks what he means by such a word and, after some pressing, the fox finally responds: "It is an act too often neglected. It means 'to establish ties'. To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."

The prince is intrigued by the concept, but when the fox asks to be tamed, the little prince declines: "I want to, very much. But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
The fox is quick in his response: "One only understands the things one tames."

The prince agrees to try, and the fox explains that it takes time to tame something. One must sit very quietly - and not too closely - and wait. Each day, as the tie grows stronger, the fox will allow the prince to move just a little closer.

“And so the prince tamed the fox.”

As the prince had forewarned, his time with the fox could not last forever. When the day for their farewell comes, the fox begins to cry, which aggravates the child. It had been the fox who had asked to be tamed. It had been the fox who had desired the bond. The fox acknowledges this through his tears, and holds that he does not regret the bond, or the pain to which it led. “One runs the risk of weeping, when one allows himself to be tamed.”As the prince is leaving, the fox gives him a gift: the greatest truth he knows, the one most men had forgotten: “It is the time you waste on something that makes it important. You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

That line, the one about the weeping, has haunted me since high-school. It’s come to mind countless times, at those moments that serve as crossroads: “Will you reach out, even though there are only a few months left, and there’s really no point anyway?” “Will you kiss him, even though you can’t imagine it actually working out?” “Will you pick up the phone, even though you know it will lead to questions you don’t want to answer?” You run the risk of weeping, when you allow yourself to be tamed. But like the fox said, it’s only through being tamed that the world holds meaning. It’s only through the bonds shared and created that color exists at all. Its memories, and lessons learned, and lives lived together – for a little while – that make it all worth it.

The Church is often compared to a Body, and rightly so. We are the hands and the feet of Christ, and are called to act accordingly. But sometimes I think we're a little like the Brain, too. And if the Church is the Brain, then I think maybe we're each a neuron. A tiny, insignificant little neuron. Psych 101 has gotten a little fuzzy in my post-college days, but I'm pretty sure neurons can't do much on their own. They're good for one thing: connecting themselves to other neurons. But that one thing makes all the difference in the world. When neurons establish ties between each other, they create neuron paths. And neuron paths are the key to each action the Body takes. As the number of neuron connections increase, the Body experiences greater freedom. It's legs move faster. It's arms reach further. It's language becomes more expressive and eloquent. It's instincts become honed, its reflexes are sharpened, and the Body becomes a force to be reckoned with. I'm pretty sure that's what Christ intended for His Church. I'm pretty sure that's what we're here to do: establish ties.

It’s no secret that Korea hasn’t been easy for me. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. There have been truths faced. Fears recognized. Risks taken. Too much Kimchi eaten. And also really big, really gross spiders in the summertime. Each day, we – both the fox and the prince – have tamed each other just a little bit more. We’ve sat a little closer, and looked forward to each other’s presence with a little more joy (except for the days when we just didn’t want to touch at all). We’ve established bonds, and now we’ve gone beyond the risk and entered into the reality of tears. Wednesday night, as I looked around 1717, the words of the fox came to mind once again. “One runs the risk of weeping, when one allows himself to be tamed.” I thought: It was so much easier when I didn’t need people. It was so much easier when I didn’t need THESE people. It’s so much easier when I’m the prince, rather than the fox. It hurts like hell when you’re the one doing the staying. But the fox is right. The weeping is worth it, because of the colors. Because never, in our whole lives, will we hear “Sweet Lorraine” without remembering. Never will we listen to someone play the uke, ride a scooter, dance to Passion Pit, or drink bad beer, without remembering. And the colors will make up for all the weeping.

The fox said one more thing. Something that I’ve always liked, but which has weighed heavily on my spirit this week. A charge. A calling. A reckoning:

“You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

We have a responsibility to each other now. You can’t tame or be tamed without answering to that bond, in some way or another, until the end of time. Ties can’t just be severed, at least not without leaving a wound that will never really close. And for us, that’s just not an option.

Our lives will change dramatically in the next few months. Both for the princes and for the foxes. But one truth remains: We have a responsibility to each other. We have tamed and been tamed, and that means a little weeping, a lot of colors, and a final charge:

Don’t even try to forget.

Pay. It. Forward.

Pay.It.Forward.
Simple.

My name is Katie, and these are my friends. Between ten - fifteen months ago, we broke away from the regular track and moved to a place with Seoul... We were fed up racing through life without direction.

So we should make a list of everything we want most in life and decide to go after it.

We should leave with a promise, that anytime we accomplish something on our list, we should help a stranger do something on theirs. Everyone has a remarkable story to tell and to live.

...PAY IT FORWARD.

for some video entertainment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWJKX9NIiqc

and for those of us that need the lyrics:

http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/lady-antebellum/i-run-to-you-24554.html

lovin. always.
newms

To Be Human

Back in November, my sister Beth was on her way to get her scuba certification off the coast of Mozambique. In order to complete the course, she had to have a doctor sign off on a standard medical form, pronouncing her fit for…whatever it is you do while scuba diving. After an absurdly long wait in the patient’s room, even by African standards, the doctor struts in and asks her what’s wrong. She explains she’s perfectly healthy, and really just needs a report to prove it. He looks at her from under his glasses and grunts: “I’ll be the judge of that.” After a few tests and procedures, he hands her a tube to breathe into. She takes a deep breath and puffs. “400. Not good enough. To be human you have to reach 500.” She tries again, taking a deeper breath and really giving it all she’s got. “400. If you want to be a human, you have to get to 500. Try one more time.” She reasoned, if not only her scuba certification, but also her very identity as a member of the human race depended on this next puff of air, she better at least stand up. Deep breath. Practice blow. Deeper breath…and…WHHHOOOOOO….. “Still 400. Will you have oxygen for scuba diving?” “Of course.” “Oh. Ok. You’re fine.” He stamps the word “approved” on her form and sends her on her way. Maybe it takes a little more than the inability to make a little arrow reach the number “500” on a breathalyzer to strip one of his or her place in the human race.

I spend a lot of time – perhaps an inordinate amount of time – trying to grasp what it means to be human. Because, see, it doesn’t come all that naturally to me. I’ve never been as good at being human as others are (yes, it is a competition. It’s always a competition). Some people are naturals. Some of us struggle. I’ve spent the past two work days watching an absurd number of Mr. Bean episodes, and I can’t help feeling some empathy for the poor guy. And a little for me, too. Because I’m kind of like that. Kind of like him. You know that natural social translator/filter you people have? I have, like, half of one. It’s there – just not all the way. So I spend a lot of time watching. Watching, and gathering information. That’s how I learn about people, and about the ways you do or do not behave in social settings. It’s trial and error, really. But I can kind of keep it a secret. If I’m careful, I can be like everyone else for a little while. Blend in. Which is handy if you don’t want to make a scene. As I get to know people, I start to feel the freedom to, you know, not fit in. One of the first things I said to Mindy the week she arrived in Korea was: “Thank God you’re here! I’m so tired of pretending to be NORMAL!” To which she laughed, and replied: “Seriously? There’s no way you could have pulled that off for 6 months. Haven’t they caught on yet?” I think maybe some of them had.

I noticed recently that one of my all-time favorite books (The Little Prince) and one of my all-time favorite movies (Martian Child) revolve around a similar theme. Both deal with children who come from (or think they come from) a different planet. They’ve come to earth to try to discover what it means to be human. It fascinates me: humanity. Humans can be so inspiring – so heroic, noble, intelligent, and selfless. But then you see their other side. A side that is willing to hurt others, maliciously. A side which can be cruel, vile, vulgar, and petty. And then I start thinking: Who wants to be human anyway?” It’s at this point that I have to delve back into what I’ve learned from all my watching and gathering, and try to figure out what exactly it means – the whole human thing.

There are lots of answers. The Little Prince claims it has everything to do with learning to waste your time on the right flowers – or, you know, the right people. The Martian Child would say humanity comes out of our ability to belong, one to another - to reach across a senseless universe and love each other. And then there are other sources. The show Heroes once told me that the thing that separates Man from the beasts is his ability to remember, and to learn and grow from those experiences (which would be GREAT news for my humanness). CS Lewis uses his novels to suggest it is man’s ability to reason – to adhere to logic – that sets him apart. Obviously, he would register as a T on the Myers-Briggs scale. The Feelers reading this might prefer the theory that it is compassion that makes us human. Humans are the only creatures to feel compassion – to care outside of themselves, and for reasons unattached to survival instincts. Those who have watched a herd of horses gather around one of their own as he stands at the pasture gate, screaming for three straight days after his friend was sold to a new owner, may have different opinions. To long, to grieve, and to share another’s burden – these are not reserved only for Man and his offspring. But perhaps that is simply empathy, or even sympathy, and compassion means something more?

And then there’s a new one I read a week or two ago. I really like this one. It’s in the introduction to Three Cups of Tea, and David Relin is relating a journalist’s duty to remain neutral. Uninvolved. Which Relin had no problem adhering to until he met Mr. Mortenson. Suddenly, he couldn’t just state the facts. He found himself caught up in the story itself. “Sometimes, to be human, you have to choose sides.” That was a new one. Humans have the ability to choose sides. To think outside of themselves, to adopt a cause. To choose to stand for one thing, while abandoning another entirely. It has nothing to do with the desire to survive, and everything to do with the belief that some things are worth dying for. (Or, you know, living for.) True, a mother bear will give her life for her young. A wolf will die protecting the territory he calls his own. But this is more than that. Humans choose sides on matters that have nothing to do with themselves. They choose to fight illiteracy. They give themselves to the cause of fighting abortion, or raising awareness for AIDS in Africa, or the plight of our failing environment. They have passion, they have opinions, and they’ve taken sides. Maybe they believe in the advancement of artificial intelligent life. Or maybe they’ve chosen to dedicate their lives to translating an ancient Babylonian text to modern English. From what I can tell it doesn’t matter, at least to your humanness, what side you choose. You can choose a side I don’t agree with. Muslims may sacrifice their lives for a Jihad I don’t find necessary. Darwinian scientists may foreswear family, friends, and self for a chance to discover a missing link I don’t believe exists. It’s not the cause itself that makes you human. It’s the fact that you have one. Because sometimes, to be human, you have to choose sides.

I stopped doing that when I moved to Korea. I stopped taking sides. When you’re an all-or-nothing kind of girl, it comes naturally. But I turned it off. I just don’t…care anymore. And it’s killing me. So perhaps this humanness – this need to choose sides – really does define our species. Perhaps it exemplifies all the other reasons, ties them all together. Maybe it’s an example of our compassion paired with our ability to reason. Maybe it’s the flower on which we choose to waste our time, and the path we take to feeling like we belong to someone or to something. Maybe that’s what it means to be human.

Well, that, and your ability to blow a 500. (if you know what I mean...and I think you do)

water, part 1

life
like this creek, i think
not knowing, necessarily,
from where it comes or where it goes,
but knowing, unassumingly, that it indeed is.
digging, i feel,
not knowing, necessarily, where you are going
but trying to trust, unassumingly,
that i indeed, because you are, am.
the digging is quite painful some days
but the creek can live in the slow paces silence of things
so maybe i can rest in its waters awhile
learn from its example
let the unrushed current calm the frenzy, the not knowing.
it is only the water which moves
yet the rocks seem quite content to embrace
the steady cleansing and
the water doesn't appear hurried
as it makes the rough parts
smooth.
one day, i suspect,
the waters will rise and things will be different -
for a season -
but these days, i know,
the water is unrushed.

love who you love.

in the words of Rascal Flatts, this fits us perfectly.lovin u.


I should have stolen every moment
Now there's a page
With not enough on it
Where we belong
I guess i'll never understand it
Why do we take it all for granted
Until it's gone
'Cause then it's gone


Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time
That flies so fast
Love who you love
And say that you do
Hold on as tight as they'll let you
Love who you love

Give all you've got
Like it's your last day
Your heart and soul
Before it's too late
And pull them in so close
Enough that they can feel it
With every single breath that
You're breathing
Breathe it in again and again

Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time
That flies so fast
Love who you love
And say that you do
Hold on as tight as they'll let you
Love who you love

Hebrews 12:1-11
(paraphrased)
Therefore, the Soko gang also, since we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race in Korea that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despisting the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Jesus who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest the gang become weary and discouranged in your souls. The gang has not yet resisted to bloodshed, stiving against sin.

Gang, do not despise the chastening of Me, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Me; for whom I love I chasten, and scourge every one whom I recieve.

If you endure chastening, I deal with you as sons, for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, or which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers (santa) who corrected us, and we did pay them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of Spirits and live?

For our fathers (santa) have indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. NOw, no chastening seems to be joyful, for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yeilds the peacable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and teh feeble knees, and make them paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.


love.newms.

Theologies and Diapers

(yeah i know it's long (shut up, me) but it's almost my bday so you have to read it)

I used to wonder what it'd be like to be a young mother. Not necessarily in age, but the kind whose energies, attentions, affections, indeed their very LIFE, is focused on her three terrors under the age of four (Jesus save me from poppin em' out one after the other like that). For many, “mother” is a calling. I've met incredible young mothers – women who coddled dolls at a young age while the rest of us were playing dress up or street hockey, who spent their elementary and middle school years day-dreaming baby names and proudly declaring “I want to be a Mommy!” – women whose fierce love and commitment to their children inspires me to love the little terrors I don't have yet, women who are as passionate about mothering as I am about standing in solidarity with the oppressed and marginalized.

I spent a considerable amount of time musing over the lives of young mothers during college. I was fascinated by women who stayed at home all day, cleaning throw up and changing diapers. See, I have this... thing. I have to see the connection between what I'm doing and the ambiguous giant we call the “greater good.” I'm not burdened with a guilty conscience, but I can’t think of a morning that's gone by in the last seven years that hasn't started with my striving and reaching and groaning to find meaning and purpose in why the sun came up and why I am awake to see it.

And these days, amid retarded songs and chants, bratty 6th graders, and whiny complaints for candy (or the more recent, audacious requests for money), sometimes this task just about wipes me out before lunch rolls around.

Which has gotten me thinking again about the theology of changing diapers.

I remember how much it pissed me off at first. Part of being extremely passionate is wanting things – most things, most of the time – to be big and elaborate and meaningful and significant. It's also part of being human, I think, part of how we're created in the imago Dei – to want our life and work to mean something. What pissed me off was the slow and steady realization that almost never do MOST things, MOST of the time, carry weighty significance and meaning. I mean, how much purpose can you derive from five years of shitty diapers and the lingering fragrance of baby barf?

So does that mean we just live parts of our life drifting? Waiting for significance to come? Enduring, so to speak, the “boring” parts of life, the seemingly less exciting years, until the adventure, the big and elaborate and meaningful and significant comes along?

Well I can't roll with that for more than fifteen minutes, let alone the eighteen years it will take to raise a child. And I certainly can't keep “waiting” for life to happen amid retarded songs and chants, and the 6th graders will be the end of me unless I find a different way to think about these things...

Since everyone's in the habit of re-telling stories, I'll join the club. This story is oh-so-slowly helping me find new ways to think.

Wing was 12, Wang was 7, and little Wong was 5. Mom and Dad worked very hard to provide the best life possible for the little wankers - they worked so hard, in fact, that they hadn't taken one single day off since the day Wing was born. An opportunity for an extravagant vacation to Suwon presented itself, so they decided to pack their bags and entrust their little gems to a few family members. Wing was a very quiet, obedient child, so they asked Aunt Carol (the conservative one) to take him in. Wang was a bit more outgoing – always up for a party! – and they knew vivacious Auntie Katie (who lived with her surrogate father Santa) would be the perfect fit. Little Wong was a flat out devil, stubborn as hell with a mind of his own, and since Aunt Tay didn't take crap from anyone, away the wonger went.

While Mom and Dad were climbing the fortress wall in child-free bliss, Aunt Carol was busy teaching Wing how to be a gentleman. He would practice his cello on the veranda while she sipped on homemade limeade, she taught him how to sew his own clothes, and in the evening they cooked dinner… together. Women aren't the only ones meant to do the cooking and cleaning! she would always say. And Wing didn't mind her occasional rants, after all, he was learning so many new things!

Wang was also learning new things... of a different kind. Auntie Katie and her (surrogate) father didn't see the importance in making such a young child into a “cultured gentleman,” so they opted out of music, sewing, and cooking. Instead, every day brought a new adventure. Auntie Katie arranged a typed, color-coded, laminated itinerary for each day, which included things like “Waterski along the Han River” ; “Climb Hallasan at 2am to watch the sunrise” ; “Sky Dive into the DMZ,” and since young Wang hadn't participated in most of these things at his young age, he too was learning and growing in his parents absence.

Wong, however, could not say the same thing. Because of Aunt Tay's hard-nose approach to everything, he was experiencing a type of discipline that was absolutely foreign to him. And unfortunately, the little wonger did NOT flourish in this environment. Mom and Dad tried to explain before they left, “Tay, little Wong does best in an environment where he can be free to explore and discover and create.” They gave her several pointers on how to create such a space, but after one day with the squeamish demon-child, Tay would have none of it. “This little shit is gonna turn all my hair gray!” she said to herself, so she did what any rational person would... returned to her own methods.

Mom and Dad returned a week later to pick up Wing. He proudly modeled his new Irish kilt (Carol's motherland), and blushed while she bragged about his new sewing talent. His parents were so pleased! Not only did Aunt Carol keep the lad well-fed and bathed, but she invested in his future with valuable life skills, even though she only had him for a week. “Next time, we'll leave all THREE of our darlings with you!” they exclaimed in delight. Wing hopped in the car, and off they went to find their Wang. They pulled into Auntie Katie's drive, and what did they hear? Why the stomping of hooves, and eight reindeer! With a jolly fat driver, beard white as snow, it was Santa himself, Ho! Ho! Ho! Wang was thrilled to tell his brother about his escapade to the Northern lands, and while Mom and Dad shook off their shock, they were so pleased that their adventuresome Wang had such an adventure-filled week. “Though Wing probably wouldn't survive half the stuff Wang did this week, we know our little Wong would have a wankin time! Next time, we'll be sure to leave the younger two with you!” Wang bid a tearful farewell to jolly St. Nick, and off they went to retrieve the last member of the family.

Aunt Tay's house looked well-kept as always, and Mom giggled in delight. “However did she manage to keep Wong out of the azalea's? She must have discovered a trick!” she said under her breath. She was certain Tay's discipline had done the boy some good. Dad knocked and the door opened to a serious-faced Wang in a tuxedo, followed by a prompt, full upper-torso bow. His brothers burst into laugher, only to be quickly hushed by their parents. Wong ushered them into the living room, announced that he would “retrieve” the host, and bowed upon his exit. Wing and Wang were still snickering about the obnoxious butler's outfit their brother was wearing. “Mom, what happened to our Wong?” they whispered incredulously. She wasn't entirely sure, but she felt concerned – she had never seen her little Wong like this before! She admitted it was nice to have momentary calm from the storm that is her son, but she much preferred the spunky, strong-willed child she had left!

When Mom and Dad found out that Aunt Tay had implemented “Operation Butler” after being with Wong only one day, they couldn't help but feel disappointed. Obviously her plan had worked – Wong was more compliant than he'd ever been – but Wing and Wang had learned so much in their parents’ absence. Mom and Dad could see how much they had learned, and how each of them had grown more fully into the wonderful men God had made them to be. Even though Aunt Carol and Katie only had the boys for a week, they made the best of it and invested fully into their lives – something that would forever fill Mom and Dad with gratitude. They were grateful to Aunt Tay, too, and told her they'd phone for disciplinary advice when Wong was over the line, but they both agreed that next time, they'd send the boys elsewhere.

Matthew 25 tells this story a bit differently. Most noticeable is the ending, about the third person to whom a talent is entrusted: “And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Yikes. Sorry, Tay. But I think the point of the story is this: we're given things, things to steward and care for, and sometimes those things last a lifetime, while others last only a season (or a week). In both cases, we're entrusted with them, the way a parents entrusts their child while on a second honeymoon in Suwon.

Right now, I've been entrusted with retarded chants and songs, bratty 6th graders, a hodgepodge group of attractive females (and a red-neck with a mullet), and 750 students to be goofy with for 40min a week. And what this story tells me is that eventually, the One to whom I give account WILL come back and WILL take account of what's been entrusted to me. And I think he'll take account in these ways:

Did I celebrate the journey found in Today?
Did I love and cherish the gifts that were given to me in Korea, and did I invest as fully as I could every single day I had those gifts?

Or did I squander away Today because I was worried about what to do in August?
Did I miss out on three months of life and love and adventures because I was trying to plan the next step?

I don't know what I'm doing in August. Some days I feel certain about staying, and the next I feel like I'll suffocate if I teach English any longer. But one thing I DO know is I don't want someone to ask “How was your year in Korea?” and only be able to answer about the first 8 months because I spent the last 4 worrying about what to do next.

The theology of changing diapers isn't pleasant. But it feels real to me, which is comforting. We haven't given our lives to a God who expects us to be doing big and elaborate things for his Kingdom (big and elaborate by our standards), because what is big and elaborate to him is taking the extra time to put Desitin on the baby's raw bum.

What matters to him is taking the extra time to sit with the student who knows five words of English, and listen patiently for eleven and a half minutes while they try to explain that they played baseball at the park with their dad on Saturday.

What matters is celebrating birthdays for an entire freaking weekend just in case the birthday girl wasn't sure that she was loved and cherished (seriously we're the only people on the planet who do that).

What matters is faithfulness to the process. Celebrating the journey. Encouraging and loving one another, as long as it's called Today. We don't serve a God of abrupt starts and stops, but one who sees every step, every decision, every action – big and small – as significant. I’m convinced I’m not meant to drift. I’m not created to “endure” a mundane existence until something more exciting arrives, and neither are you. The life that is happening right now is the adventure, the meaningful, significant purpose of my existence.

I decided a while back to stop waiting for life to “happen.” Life is happening NOW, and it's up to me to steward the students and songs and friends and red-necks to the best of my ability up until the very last day they are entrusted to me.

My unsaved family and friends have always been heavy on my heart and today God asked me, "How important are they really to you? What are you willing to do about it?" I didn't know how to answer.

I read Deut. 9:1-21. Moses had just spent 40 days and nights fasting with the Lord on the mountain when he recieved the 10 commandments. Then he came down only to find the people even more wicked than before, golden calf and all. I'm sure part of him was furious. There he was sacrificing himself, intereceding for them for the last month and a half with no food or water, and they could care less. Clearly he was furious. He broke the two tablets right in front of their eyes. Yet, even with his anger toward them, he truly loved all those people. He knew God's anger toward them. God wanted to completely destroy them. So what does Moses do? He does it all over again. He layed prostrate on the ground for 40 days and nights, with out food or drink, to intercede for these people. He pleaded with God, reminding Him of all He'd done for them so far, the promises He'd made them and the righteousness of their ancestors, asking Him to have mercy on them. And God listened to Moses and honored his request.

He layed prostrate and fasted for 40 days. Moses loved these people so much, and he dedicated himself to their salvation. How convicting... I'm lucky if I remember to pray for those people in my life. It's not that they aren't important to me... but are they really? Do I care enough to dedicate my efforts, prayers, and time to intereceding for their salvation? It doesn't seem like it. But prayerfully I can get there.

John 16:24
Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will recieve, that your joy may be full.




Tayonce. HEEEEEYYY.

A Little Hope

Hebrews 6:9-12

"But, beloved, we are confident of better things concerning you, yes, things that accompany salvation, though we speak in this manner. FOr God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister. And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises."

why does everything have to have a title.

The words I seek, it seems,
drift just beyond the reach
of my thirsty ears.
Or they lie, perhaps, within the dark, rich soil
embryotic in shape and size and form.
Would I spur them to take shape and size
to find their place in my hungry mind and form on my empty page
before they are quite ready to come on their own accord,
would be folly.
And yet -
my ears strain.
I feel the growing pains,
the ache in my heart as this embryo swells and shrivels,
the longing in my being for articulation, explanation, revelation...
this mouth of mine longs to testify.
Where are you, O words?
You who speak of the heights -
and the heights from which I've fallen.
You who speak of the shadow in which I'm found, with
a crown called beauty
an anointing of reverence and gratitude
an appearance anew that reflects restoration and redemption within;
indeed the very garments upon these once-weary shoulders have become
oh-so-light and oh-so-white, like the first December snow.
You who speak of the garments
once stained with passion, sacrifice, obedience, and the garments
once washed in Passion, Sacrifice, Obedience.
You who speak of once,
the Once in time,
the once in my life,
the once upon a time when this name was called forth for an exchange:
passion for Passion
sacrifice for Sacrifice
obedience for Obedience
garment for garment.
Where are you, O words, words who channel a Voice?
Channel, won't you, through this hollow space?
Let the roar of the testimony resound!
Travel, O echo, beyond the shadows,
into a darkness where garments still like in wait...
wait...
wait...
Wait, must I, for these words to come
Lie down, must I, in the dark, rich soil and in my embryotic state, wait.

a bedtime story

mmmh... so
1. its well past my bed time
2. i'm sitting in the dark with my rabbit on my lap
3. the words i might say, may be mildly cryptic... read between the lines

Since we're on the topic of older-sibling-rants I have one to share. It is much more simple, and much less life altering, but obviously its shaped a decent amount of myself, seeing as it is one of the few memories my aging brain has latched onto from childhood. It looks like this:


***DISCLAIMER: NEWMS MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS***

Chorus: At the end of Touchstone court lived a bushy tailed girl named Kelsey. Often falling victim to her brothers ill-willed requests, so she could be seen as the cool little sister, she was misled once again.

Aaron: (standing next to Luke, my 2 week childhood crush) You should lick this...
Kelsey: (stares at the gum webbing through the sole of her brother's "Nike Pumps") ...uh, I don't want to
Aaron: You chicken?
Kelsey: Its warm gum... on your SHOE!
Aaron:(slowly advancing toward her, wielding the shoe)come ooon! I'll give you 20 dollars (at this Luke giggles)
Kelsey: really? 20 dollars?
Aaron: reeeeeally.
(a pinky swear goes down)

Chorus: taking the shoe from Aaron, Kelsey looks at it strategically. After a full examination, and the realization that this could never be done easily, she squeezes her eyes closed, sticks her tongue out, and gives it a quick taste

Aaron and Luke: AHHHH!! EWWWW!!!
Kelsey: WHAT! you told me to. give me the 20 dollars.
Aaron: ahaha... go get one of your dolls for me
Kelsey: huh?
Aaron: I said 20 DOLL HAIRS! ahahahahahah!!

Chorus: As the boys ran off, Kelsey was left pondering the strange taste of moldy strawberries, rubber, and bitter beguile.



I could preach a sermon off of this story... but I will let you do the cross-examination. Either that, or I'm not exactly sure why I told you this.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Growing up, my older brother had a truly magical coin collection. I collected coins too (I used to copy people a lot), and I lived in constant envy of his more expansive collection. History was my favorite subject, so I was especially drawn to those coins with a story of some kind attached to them, such as those from the Third Reich, the Silver Penny, or - the jewel in my personal collection - a coin from the Constantine era of Rome. Phil had some pretty interesting pieces, and I particularly coveted one acquisition of his - the Confederate $5 bill. Oh, how I wanted it. I don't think Philip cared about the bill in any sense of his own, but it's value in my eyes made it incredibly useful to him. I spent countless hours sitting quietly at the foot of his bed, watching him peruse his collection. I knew that, if I flattered him enough as he fluffed his ego and counted his coins, I might get to hold the bill before he put it away. It was always worth it.

One Saturday, Phil was feeling particularly lazy. He had been told to clean the garage before Monday, but his friend was over and he wasn't too interested. He tried to coax me into doing his chore for him, but I was having none of it. None of his normal tricks or promises were working, and he really didn't want to clean. So, in a moment of desperation, he promised me what I wanted most: the Confederate $5 bill. I wasn't taking any chances, so I demanded that he give me the prize then and there, with our little brother as my witness. He shook his head emphatically. "No Charissa, you can have it tomorrow. Clean the garage today, and I'll give it to you tomorrow." I should have been suspicious when I saw his friend snicker at these words. I wasn't. I cleaned. In fact, I've never worked so hard in my life. I cleaned that garage until it fairly sparkled - I was taking no chances. The next day, I marched up to him in triumph and demanded the bill. It was mine, and tomorrow had come.

Some of you have older siblings. Some of you are older siblings. Therefore all of you should be familiar with this particular game. It's a cruel one. Phil fixed me with a smug look of triumph and informed me that, actually, it was Today. I was confused...of course it was today, but it was also tomorrow. Yesterday, I had been promised something tomorrow, which was today. Right? Wrong. According to older brothers, Tomorrow never comes. And neither do Confederate $5 bills.

Blame it on my older brother (like I do), but I think I’ve always been a little paranoid that Tomorrow won’t come. I mean, in my actual experience, it always does. November 10th can only last so many hours, and my birthday has never failed to make an appearance. My last semester in college felt like it would never end but, eventually, I found myself walking across that auditorium stage (without even tripping), which separates those who are Young from those who are Grownups. The six weeks I spent as a cripple after I broke my foot (in a moment of sheer awkwardness) really did feel like an eternity. But, in reality, it was only 6 weeks. Tomorrow came, just as I knew it would.

Last August, I acquired some new friends. I wasn’t sure I wanted them, and I really had no idea what to do with them. I spent a great deal of time fretting over the expectations I was sure these new friends held over me. It was exhausting, let me tell you. And then the Living Word spoke to me through Hebrews 3:13: "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none will be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." As long as it is called Today. I liked that. I’m not afraid of Today, as long as there is an end in sight. It seemed like a beautiful idea, learning to move and grow within a body - as long as it is called Today. Living, laughing, and loving – as long as it is called Today. I defined everything by that limitation, using it as my guide, all the while dreaming of Tomorrow. It was as though I was reliving the scenario of the Confederate bill. If I cleaned the garage today, I would receive my heart’s desire tomorrow. The months dropped away one by one, and February 26th loomed large. I knew it would be difficult to leave. I expected it to be. But the pain of separation was a small price to pay for my Tomorrow, and I had no qualms or fears.

Until one night in January, when everything changed. I went to Him. I showed Him the garage I had cleaned oh-so-faithfully. I held out my hand for my reward. And I discovered that Tomorrow had not come.

I’m not comparing God to a vindictive older brother. I want that to be clear. But at that moment, I found myself transported to the emotional state of an 8-year-old who has lost her heart’s desire. You know, kind of like when Brian works so hard at the saloon for the horse, only to have Hank snatch it away: “It’s just business.” My stormy soul ranted and raved against a God who would refuse me my Tomorrow. I had worked for it. I had dreamed of nothing else. I had endured Today for the sole reason that I found in it my promise for Tomorrow.

It took me a few months to sort this out. I still am. But I discovered something recently. I hadn’t been able to read Hebrews 3 since that night in January. I didn’t want to think about Tomorrow, because it only served to remind me that I was stuck in Today. But, as I was having a hard time accepting this whole “let’s have a group blog!” thing, I found my thoughts wandering of their own accord to Hebrews. “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today.” Fine, I told Him, I’ll contribute to the damn blog, if it’s so important (which I’m doing...right now). But that’s not all He wanted to show me: "As long as it called Today." Suddenly, something made sense for the first time: Today is not a punishment. Today was not something to be endured, something to suffer through in hopes of a greater reward. Today was not a test, an assignment, or a set of obligations and expectations to fulfill before I could finally embrace Tomorrow. It was all quite shocking. Today is a gift. God had not snatched the immediate future away from me just to see how much it would hurt. Rather, He was giving me the gift of Today – a beautiful compilation of moments and memories with which He was not yet finished.

That’s all good and well, but I learned something else, too. There really is some truth in my brother’s words. In some ways, Tomorrow never comes. It will always be Today. There is something eternal and long-lasting about Today. It isn't nearly as transitory as I had imagined and, in that sense, my brother was right. Today is here for the long-haul. Life isn’t meant to have these constant, abrasive starts and stops – Today and Tomorrow should not be so clearly marked or anticipated. Today flows naturally into Tomorrow, which eventually becomes Yesterday. Mindy can tell you a pretty cool story signifying this: it involves some shepherds, some sheep, the wilderness, and a sea breeze. But the point is that we, as Christians, are called to: Consider the lilies of the field. They don’t worry about their weekend plans, or try to make their life epic on their own. Yet I tell you not even Sully in all his splendor lived such an interesting life. If that is the future God gives to the grass of the field, which is here today before Bambino poops all over it (because I forgot a bag again), will he not make sure you live a full life as well? So do not worry, saying “What will we do after Korea!” or “How will I finish paying off my loans before I’m 80?” For the pagans (some early manuscripts read: “Canadians”) run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows you need them. But SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM and His righteousness, and you will be allowed to leave Korea before it kills you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own, especially when you live with someone as high maintenance as Kelly.

This is the Word of the Lord. Go and do likewise.

The Belly and the Members

One fine day it occurred to the Members of the Body that they were doing all the work and the Belly was having all the food. So they held a meeting, and after a long discussion, decided to strike work till the Belly consented to take its proper share of the work. So for a day or two, the Hands refused to take the food, the Mouth refused to receive it, and the Teeth had no work to do. But after a day or two the Members began to find that they themselves were not in a very active condition: the Hands could hardly move, and the Mouth was all parched and dry, while the Legs were unable to support the rest. So thus they found that even the Belly in its dull quiet way was doing necessary work for the Body, and that all mush work together of the Body will go to pieces.


Aseop

diamonds on the soles of her shoes.

The other day, someone said:

"shoes speak a lot about people - like really..."

My response was something along the lines of:

"really! I'd hate to know what people think about me...
I don't even like to wear shoes."

Those who know me, know well enough that I don't exactly spend a lot of money on clothes or shoes - but it's not like there is anything wrong with that or that I wouldn't be interested in doing so if I thought about it long enough.
I just happen to be in a season (of sorts) that leaves me perfectly content wearing run-down chuck taylors, plain v-neck t shirts and an assortment of wool socks that I stole from my mom's drawer over christmas. In saying this, I have a feeling I might be single for a lot longer than anticipated.

I think that if shoes were the only thing that spoke of who we are, I'd be in a lot of trouble. And even though my sarcasm could have been put to better use or just not used at all at the time, it's safe to say it has shed new light on a passage that has always seemed to challenge me:

"Do not store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store up your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." matt 6:19-21

I often think about what I'll have to show for my time in Korea when all is said and done. I am still wearing the clothes that I came here with, have furnished most of my apartment with things I've found in the dump and wear the same pair of shoes almost everywhere I go, for no reason at all. For the most part, I've acquired nothing other than a scooter, other people's shit and a roommate. All of this to say, I think often about what then my treasure might be:

am I storing anything up at all? for this life or the next?

It's ironic that "diamonds on the souls of her shoes" by Paul Simon is one of my all time favorite songs. It seems that I am in this dilemma often, putting too many diamonds on the wrong soles and not enough on the right ones - mine and others alike.
Whatever the soul, am I more concerned about what things look like on the outside or about getting it right on the inside? In other words, am I interested in investing in the world or into the Kingdom? Plain and simple.

What I am learning in Korea is how to get things right. How to preserve life for the purpose of eternity and how to help others do the same. How to let my life be a treasure for others to store up too and to not be so afraid of walking barefoot so much.


It's refreshing to watch the seasons change - to watch the spring come to life and feel the life of others welling up inside of me. It is in these places of change that I find myself more aware of my heavenly treasure - treasure being stored up for me through the lives and loves of those who walk with me so closely. Its almost as if we are all a bunch of old ladies, canning pickles and jam and tomatoes with and for each other. Putting on each other's heavenly shelves, a supply of good(ness) that will never perish, only age in taste and color long into eternity.



Chow chi from the high ridge
whit

Blessings for Obedience

And if you faithfully obey the voice of the Lord your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God. Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out. The Lord will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before you. They shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways. The Lord will command the blessing on you in your barns and in all that you undertake. And he will bless you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. The Lord will establish you as a people holy to himself, as he has sworn to you, if you keep the commandments of the Lord your God and walk in his ways. And all the peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they shall be afraid of you. And the Lord will make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb and in the fruit of your livestock and in the fruit of your ground, within the land that the Lord swore to your fathers to give you. The Lord will open to you his good treasury, the heavens, to give the rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hands. And you shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow. And the Lord will make you the head and not the tail, and you shall only go up and not down, if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you today, being careful to do them, and if you do not turn aside from any of the words that I command you today, to the right hand or to the left, to go after other gods to serve them.

hugs all around

Acts 20:1

Jesus called the disciples to Himself and EMBRACED them.

I aboslutely love this picture, that Jesus called those that followed after Him and embraced them. Took them into His arms, our Savior, our King, embraced the sinners, us. We do not deserve even a hug, but we are literally touched by Him.

I can't wait for the day when I get to see my Savior's face. I picture myself running toward Him, and Him EMBRACING me and saying ' welcome home daughter'!

Let's await the day that we get to be EMBRACED by our Savior!

(and this means that we should jsut embrace eachother all the more!)

Philippians 3

Watch out for those people who tell you that you must DO things to be saved, to be close to God, to be declared "righteous" in his sight. It is we who worship by the Spirit of God that are truly saved, sanctified, and righteous in his sight. For we rely on what Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort.

Though, if anyone could have confidence in themselves, I could! I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin... indeed, I am what you'd call a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law -- which I obeyed without fault. I was, by the standards of these people, "righteous." I was so zealous... I even harshly persecuted the church.

But these very credentials that some people are wave around as something special, I now consider worthless. Whatever was to my profit by human standards I now consider garbage compared with the privilege of knowing Jesus my Lord, my Master, my Friend. For his sake I have discarded everything I once thought was significant, so that I may embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Jesus. No, I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know him personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself.

I don't mean to say I've already achieved these things or that I've already reached perfection. But I press on to make it my own because Christ has made me his own. I have chosen to focus on one thing: forgetting the past - especially what was to my profit - and looking ahead to where he is leading, I fix my eyes on the goal where God is beckoning us onward to Christ.

I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

Finding our muchness...

Something that's been rattling around in my brain a lot recently is the idea of "becoming" who we already are. Kelly touched on this in her entry and in the verses from Galatians - so good. This is something that I think the Lord as been stealthily trying to sear into my brain for a while now. (This is Anna, duh.)

So while watching Alice in Wonderland over the weekend, I was again reminded. Not to give any spoilers or anything, but in the movie Alice is confronted with the question of if she is, or is not, Alice. Is she herself? Who is she really? One comment that the Mad Hatter makes to her about halfway through the film is, "Alice, you've lost your muchness." This comment seems to haunt her for a good portion of her journey.

I identify with that. I often feel that I've "lost my muchness." To me, this means that sometimes I feel like I've past my prime - like when I discover the patch of gray hairs on my temple or struggle to run 3 miles on the treadmill when I used to be able to run 20. I hate that feeling. Sometimes it means that I feel that way with God. Like when I remember the passion and fire and simple faith that I had in high school, and I feel defeated at the complications in my spiritual life in the present.

We are confronted with this idea of not being "much" enough everywhere. It's pervasive - you are not good enough as you are. I feel this way as a Christian often. I always struggle with the feeling that I've got to do more. That I'm not good enough. That I don't pray enough or meditate on the Word enough. That somehow, I don't have God's approval.

But then I settle down and read Ephesians. Ephesians always seems to get my head on straight when I'm lost. (All of the verses below come from The Message)

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and go our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone. (Eph 1:11-12)

Then Paul goes into this prayer for the Ephesians...

I ask the God of our Master Jesus Christ to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for his followers, oh, the utter extravagance of his work in who trust him - endless energy, boundless strength! (Eph 1:17-19)

Then he launches into this beautiful statement of Christ's power... where we get this energy and strength from. Resurrection power! The same power that raised Christ from the dead is the power that we have access to. Crazy.

In chapter 3, we get to one of my favorite verses...

Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Eph 3:19-20)

I think the point is this. Paul is reminding the Ephesians who they already are. They have been saved. It was not through their own power. They are being sanctified. Again, not through their own power. They ARE. God had them before they were even aware. God has had us before we were even aware. We HAVE our muchness! It's in Christ.

So my challenge to myself is to remember. To not forget (as I so easily do) that my muchness is in Christ.

And just like Alice, knowing that I have "muchness" will change the way I live. Realizing it will free me to live out of it. Out of him.

"Lost my muchness have I? We'll see about that."

All Those Jiggy With Jesus

Chow main noodles. (Tis i, whit)

This whole thing is weird you know. Having friends in Korea. And having other people, from wherever they are in the world, read about our lives here. I hope that they come visit, your friends and family that is. I'd like to meet them all. And anyone else you love for that matter. I'd say it would be nice to meet your boyfriends, but we all know that none of you (us) have any. Which is also weird.
If you are reading this blog, I'd like to meet you.
Also, if your single and happen to be male, you should come here, odds are you'd leave with a girl friend (or eight).

If it was up to me, I'd say that there is something unusual about this whole thing... this Korea thing.
It's odd how we are all here, and have managed to find each other.It's also weird how all of Biola migrated to Korea and will soon, migrate to Canada (because I know you are all so curious). What else is weird, is that more people keep coming. And not just everyday people you pass on the street, although many people do. People who you meet and want to keep meeting, over and over. People who change other peoples lives, in big, big ways. People who are all strangely good looking, talented, generous, deeply caring, have good taste in music, drink wine is mass amounts, are seeking and being sought, who want to change and be changed.
People who are so the same, yet different.
We're all a bunch of Jesus freaks, who are simultaneously being freakish in Korea, together. Which is the most baffling part of it all: we're together and it's hard to be here without feeling like we're in the center of everything good and true in this world.

Before everything changed (before I got friends), I used to sit underneath the pink and yellow flower decals left on my apartment wall. I convinced myself that I was in a secret garden in an unknown land, sent there to document its mystery through letters, pictures and horoscopes written to friends in distant counties - and by doing so, somehow move through that unrecognizable rite of passage everyone talks about - gaining insurmountable insight, maturity and understanding of everything past, present and future.

I'd by lying if I said that Korea has given me that. In many ways, in most ways, its given me everything and anything but that. I dearly miss that "secret garden" plastered to the wall of my empty apartment but I've since discerned that self-realization and oneness is nearly impossible without the help of others, no matter how inspiring the world around us may be. The secret gardens and imaginative spaces we create to draw more life out of ourselves (although small miracles in their own right) are only an illusion in comparison to the life others are called to draw out in us. It's taken me a lifetime and a year in a foreign country to figure out that community is where it is at. Which is what I've been trying to say with all of these run-on sentences.

In Acts 2: 42-47 says something like:

"All those jiggy with Jesus devoted themselves to the apostles teachings, to living life to the fullest together, and to sharing all sorts of ethnic meals together while sitting on the ground, and to praying unceasingly for each other with a sort of burning and longing that was unknown in that land.
A deep sense of awe came over all of them and they were changed so radically, everyone noticed them. They stood out everywhere they went. They were all so beautiful, as if to be a reflection of heaven itself.
Miraculous signs and wonders followed them, some got sick (and some had worms in their feet) but they were healed. Some spoke in tongues, had dreams of the future and saw angels breathe fire before their very eyes. Others prayer languages resounded through out the land, they laid hands on each other and even their bones ached with joy.
They met together at Whitney's house and shared everything they had. Their clothes were rotated between them, when someone needed something the others gave it to them, even more than half of their own kingdoms. They shared their beds and slept on each others floors.
The spirit was so alive that even as they slept, they were awake and their hearts stirred within them. They worshiped together, waiting in joyful expectation and sang while some of them played instruments.
They held hands and laid hands and their gifts were made known through their unity. For this they were filled with gratitude.
Every time they met they shared the Lord's supper. They broke bread and wine glasses, sharing their meals with great joy and generosity. All the while praising God and delighting the all the richness and goodness and beauty of each other.
And each Wednesday the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved and because of this the He sustained them by providing giant pots of homemade soup, melodious singing, modern dancing and contagious amounts of laughter."

If you were ever wondering what it was like to see Acts lived out, come visit.
Don't get me wrong life in Korea can be more impossible and undesirable than anything else.
It is easy to grow tainted by our unworthiness and exhausted by the limitations of others. We become all together too distant and too close all at once, stifled by buildings and trampled on by their shadows but our prayers are steadfast in the light of the gifts he has given us and we delight in every way to watch each other become more alive here.
God's Kingdom is alive and it is being built up all over the world... but in Korea, even the traffic lights change in heavenly patterns. So do we - all shifting and changing, together and apart - being established in realms beyond our comprehension and being appointed to make them known to those around us.

Though some of us may be drinkers and dreamers, and others just plain drinkers (won't mention any names...) one thing is for sure: its great to be drinking and dreaming in Korea, with you all.


Chow chi from the high ridge.
whit

just thoughts.

after taking forever to figure out the damn e-mail…. i'm finally in (shut up kel)..

so lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and the retreat was extremely good for my soul, my heart, just my being. it was so good to be in the Word with u all, worshiping, sharing, praying... it was so good. i live for weekends like that, when we come together, lay our worries at the door and let God do His thing. and He definitely did.

This might, and is a simple concept but it has rocked my world and I have already shared it with some of ya’ll, and the more I talk about, the more I am affirmed in my thinking. So it thought I would share it with ya’ll..
- I am a child of Christ
- He chose me to be His daughter, to be part of His family
- I have a personal, deep, growing relationship with the Almighty, the Creator, my Savior

My salvation does not depend on spiritual gifts, we are all created to be different, God fearing women with different purposes, strengths and passions. I need not to be afraid of the Spirit and to not limit God, for He can do all things. I want (and am trying daily) to welcome the Spirit in all forms. I want my life to be a living testament of God’s goodness and love, in whatever form that may be in. I pray for myself that I will be receptive towards the Spirit and to not instinctively put the “happenings” in a negative light. THIs might be elementary for some, but it’s still something that I am seeking Jesus after.

I am honored to be part of a God-fearing, loving, growing community as this. We are all blessed individually and then come together to build a ministry through unity (as kels mentioned). We are a body therefore created with different gifts, and to use these gifts within the community is what God has called and ordained. God is good, I am so glad we serve the Almighty.

Lovin u. always.

unity is a ministry

I've recently had this revelation. The story goes a little like this (feel free to read it in chunks if its easier to soak in):

Oh and p.s. this is kelsey.


Since I've been around everyone, and seen the work God is doing in us, I have been persistently asking myself (since about September) what our ministry is. "Maybe we are supposed to help N.K. refugees. Maybe its the homeless. Maybe its orphans. It HAS to be one thing," I thought, "God wouldn't bring us all together just to give us all different ministries here." So I figured I just had to wait...

... come December I'm like "ok! this is it! we are going to have a bit of a break, then WHABAM, a ministry will come."

...January

...February, and I'm started to get psyched out to say the least.

Then is started to unfold bit by bit.


Bit #1: The Vision
It came when we were praying at our Thursday morning bible study. We had been talking about Mins moving w/ Whit and our hearts in it all.
I was in a body, it wasn't "my" body, but it represented everyone. I felt frustrated because I couldn't see myself. I was trying to look at myself and all I could see was my lower body. My perspective was impaired, and terminally limited. Then we looked up at each other. And I could see each other in entirety. And I knew I was seen in entirety. Not an inch of our bodies were hidden from each other, because we could physically see all of each other. Then I looked into that other person's eyes, and I saw a light beaming out of them. I knew this was the light of Christ. I knew I didn't have to look anywhere else. My gaze was fixed, I was fully known. As this vision unfolded, I knew this was a process we were each going through right then...

Bit#2: The Revelation
I was reading my bible when Me, Tay, and Newms went to Gangneung. I was reading the portion of John where Jesus prays for all believers. This is so powerful.

"My prayer is not for them alone (his disciples). I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you."

---wait... whaaaat? 'just as you are in me and I am in you?'

lets keep on...

"May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you have sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me"

Hallelujah.

Bit #3: The Processing
I knew I had to relay this to everyone. But I felt like I still had to absorb it all. Its been on my mind for a while, and I feel like I've come to a complete thought about it all: Unity is our Ministry.
Unity does not mean the same. Unity does not mean always being together. Unity does not even mean having the 'same calling'. It means being 'one, just as the Spirit of God is in Jesus, and Jesus is in the Spirit of God'.
In the vision, we looked away from ourselves and toward each other. This humbled us. This brought a complete perspective. This allowed us to see the light of Christ. In the revelation this vision became confirmed by scripture, but a new element was added on: the ministry that comes through others witnessing this unity.

Bit #4: The Challenge
We are different. God has given us each different purposes, skills, qualities, and gifts of the spirit. After Christ's resurrection, the disciples were never all together at the same time for extended periods. They knew that they had work to do and if they only shinned their light to each other they wouldn't be effective. They would come together, often, in the Unity of Christ, refocus, recharge, then fast/pray and be sent out again. This is God's calling for us. This is the prayer of Christ for us. I am so grateful that God has brought us all together, and blessed us with this ability.

From Christ's lips to your ears, our ministry is unity.

Lord, I pray that we will be able to "drink the cup the Father has given" us. I pray that we will endure the sacrifice that comes with this. May we be unity. May peace be within us, that we may have confidence in this ministry. A confidence that allows us to take more risks. A confidence that allows us to bring others into your presence. A confidence that allows us to take on the humble work of Christ. A confidence brings the miraculous works of Christ. A confidence that only comes through being united with each other and with you, that you may be further glorified. May we bask in your glory, that you have given us. May we see the fruits of our labor. May we be filled with boldness to venture into the callings you unfold for each of us. May we be content and confident in the unity we have with you and each other. We are so confident that you hear this. I lift this all up to you. May you guard us from anything that could try to be destructive to this ministry.
In the name of Christ I give this fully to you.

So I'm a little late... but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't late.

I’ve been reflecting on Korea these past few weeks and what that has meant to me so far. So many thoughts and emotions flooded back to me but overall I think I’m realizing how much Korea has been a CHANGING period for me. I think a lot of us can agree that the experiences we’ve had here are ones that we will never forget and ones that will have a lasting effect on our lives. It reminds me of one of our favorite songs… oh how he loves us… when she says “you’re never the same! You’re never the same once you encounter the love of God!” not gunna lie… I do mock her sometimes… its kinda humorous. Anyway, I’ve come to realize the reality of that statement. It’s so true. Once you encounter God’s love, you can’t help but be moved by it and changed into more of his image. That’s how great and transcendent his love his, it changes you forever. These last 6 months in Korea have been a drastic period of change for me, change of heart, of attitude, of purpose, of relationship, and of my perspective of God. It’s been such a beautiful process, not always easy or enjoyable but one I’m so grateful for. The true meaning of community has been revealed to me through all of you girls. It’s a concept I’ve never really grasped but have received here in a more abundant and stronger way than I could have ever expected or asked for. I can’t believe that 6 months have flown by this fast, I can’t believe all I’ve learned and experienced in such a short amount of time, and I cant imagine what the next 6 months could possibly hold. So I guess now I’m learning my purpose and role in Christ and in the world. Searching and trusting in God’s perfect plan for my life, whatever that may entail. It’s a somewhat scary but exciting place to be in. So I guess all that to say, reading what Kel wrote, I couldn’t agree more. Faith is so much more vital to our relationship with God than I think we often realize. It’s our foundation and our hope, our comfort and our encouragement, our challenges and our triumphs. I think we are all at a point in our lives when faith is so crucial to our future. I don’t where I’m going and when I’m going there but I am confident that as long as I’m growing in my faith, I’ll be fine. I’ll be provided for and doing exactly what I should be.

I know that was kinda long already, but I was reminded of another one of God’s graces today that I thought I’d share. I was reading in Genesis 16 about Abram, Sarai, and Hagar. After God told Abram he would bear a son at his old age to continue his heir, he allowed Sarai to convince him that that had to be through her mistress, Hagar. Silly, silly man… anyway, he listened to his wife and conceived a child through Hagar. Once Hagar bore this son, Sarai was upset with her for doing so, even though she was just being obedient. So Abram gave her permission to treat Hagar however she wanted to, to suffice her jealousy and anger. The Scripture says Sarai dealt harshly with her. Now I can only imagine what that really meant, I’m sure it was a combination of physical abuse, verbal abuse, and many other terrible things. It was so bad, Hagar fled. Well God met Hagar on her journey to get away. And guess what he told her. He told her to go back. To go back to the people who hated her and mistreated her. To go back to a life of daily pain and frustration. And why? She was only being obedient, she didn’t ask to sleep with Abram, she didn’t even have a choice. And now she has to deal with the repercussions of their stupid mistake. And after all that, God tells her she has to stay there. Imagine her frustration with God, her feelings of anger, abandonment, violation, and hopelessness. But she is obedient. She goes back regardless of her own plan and desires. Now I don’t know how she felt once she got back but I do know it required a lot of faith on her part. Faith that God would come through, that he would provide her with strength and joy in such a bad situation. And I’m sure God was honored and pleased by her obedience. And that he was faithful to take care of her through it all. This was so encouraging for me because I don’t know what or where I’m going or doing next, but I’m preparing my heart for the good and the bad. I may or may not agree with Him on it or be excited about it. And if he asks me to go to a place I don’t want to go or don’t see a purpose in, I have to be faithful in believing that he will provide for me, in every way. So I just really loved that story and it was so perfect for me to hear. Hope it is encouraging for you girls too.

Sorry this is so incredibly long... didnt know I had this much to say

sorry, i like words...

"We know that a person is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ that we may be justified by faith in him and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified." Gal 2.15,16

Galatians has some good theology in it. Paul is reaming the church because they are falling for other gospels, namely, it seems, a gospel that is highly legalistic. Using analogy, metaphor, story, and flat out rebuke, Paul is trying to hammer it home: you cannot attain justification, salvation, or any other "ation" by observing the law! The law does not impart righteousness!

I love this (3.2-5): "I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?"

The whole letter is really good, when you read it in one sitting. Paul talks about Abraham, how the dude believed God, and was deemed "righteous." He makes an interesting analogy with Hagar and Sarah, which I'm still trying to unpack. But his point seems to be,

You were crucified with Christ. What is dead to him can also be dead to you, should you choose to believe this can be true for your life. What's more -- he died so that you could be free. He set you free from the bondage of the law, from the bondage of sin, from the bondage of the flesh and its desires. What he offers you is new life. What he offers you is his Spirit. FREELY. And you receive these things one way, and one way only: by believing what you hear.

I've been thinking of all of us while reading Galatians this week, and for a very specific reason. God is up to something. After hearing from some of you this weekend, and the last few days, I am convinced that this is a season for believing what we hear. All of us can see that God is on the move. All of us know that he is poking and prodding and beckoning each of us in ways unique to who we are. And, in one way or another, all of us are hungry for more. We want to go deeper. We want more of Jesus. We want to believe that we can do the things Jesus did, and the "greater things" that he promised we'd do. We want to experience his presence. We want to be changed, rearranged, and claimed by his love.

And like the church in Galatia, it is so easy for us to fall into the deception of other gospels. Gospels that tell us we have to "do" things to experience God's presence. Gospels that give us a checklist of disciplines to master before we can participate in God's kingdom work on earth - healing the sick, raising the dead, etc etc. Gospels that tell us we're not quite there yet, that we're not quite good enough, that we've gotta do this and this and this before we can do that...

But what's shocking about THIS gospel is there is nothing to be "done" before we can go "do." We don't have to attain a certain level of righteousness before we can experience God's presence. We don't have to master certain disciplines before God starts using us to perform his signs wonders and miracles. For if these things could be attained by following any law or checklist, Christ died for nothing (2.21).

Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

My friends, I know your hearts well enough to know that you've believed what you've heard. So be encouraged. He's got you. You are RIGHT in the center of his will for your life.

You haven't done anything wrong

and you have not "missed the boat," so to speak.

He wants you to experience his presence. He wants you to live into his kingdom reality on earth. He has many people he wants to heal. And he wants to use you. He wants to see you step into his freedom. And most of all, HE wants you to understand his wild, unashamed, abandoned affection for you.

The one who has called you is faithful, and he will do it.

Lovin'... In spirit and in truth

So I've been meditating on God's love for us recently... well, more specifically his love for me, which is always exceedingly difficult for me to accept. I'm not sure why, but it is super hard for me to comprehend unconditional love on the scale of the Almighty. I feel unworthy and pathetic a lot. Jesus has to constantly remind me that I am worthy in HIM, and that Him in me is what gives me significance.

One passage that I have been coming back to recently is the Woman at the Well in John 4. I read it in The Message version this week. Jesus bluntly speaks truth to the woman without rejecting her... She could sense his love, his acceptance. Even the fact that he was talking to her at all was unbelievable. She started nitpicking about theology and other disagreements between Jews and Samaritans. And Jesus simply replied:

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself - Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

So my lovely friends... thank you for living here in Korea with me. Thank you for helping teach me how to live out of my true spirit, before the Lord honestly. As we enter this season of Lent... I hope each of you find ways to live more simply and more "out of your very being" as you worship Him!